3. 🌈 Sunshine After the Rain-2013
On a March afternoon, out of the blue, Sam wanted to take me to see a Chinese doctor. Before going, he suggested that I take a pregnancy test, just in case, since my period was late for 3 months. One of the doctors once told me that some women with spinal cord injuries, have menstruation delays. I told Sam it was impossible! Waiting for the results, the two red lines appeared as fast as they could.
But then, the pregnancy stick was expired for two years.
Sam raced to the pharmacy to get new ones. Again the two strong lines appeared without hesitation. This time I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t care, I knew I was pregnant for real. No, it was surreal! Then, it seemed there were daggers stabbing my heart. Sam calmly looked at me; watching his wife cry hysterically.
My tears were not of happy tears, but I just got the one thing that I wanted most in life, a baby growing inside me. Why now? Why I can’t be ecstatic like I should be? I have long given up hope, I didn’t want to be a selfish mom, I am still learning to walk, I can’t protect or take care of my baby. We can’t even make the decision whether to keep it or not.
This was a tough decision, either way.
My dearest baby, you know how much mommy wants you, but life is unfair, the decision is not ours to make.
We consulted all my doctors; neuro-surgery, physiotherapy doctor and therapist, OB, and even Oncology doctor, they all congratulated us and gave us the green light. I couldn’t help feeling guilty of not being able to be a “mobile” mother. I couldn’t stop sobbing. Selfishly, every single cell in me wanted the baby, but practically, I know I will never be the mom that I want to be. My physio-therapist consoled me: The baby chose to come, so it must be well-prepared.
Sam noted calmly, let the baby decide whether it is staying or not.
My baby, if you chooses to stay bravely, I will love you with all my might, and do the best I can to be the mom you deserve to have. If you chooses to leave, I will thank you for the rainbow after the rain, you’ve given me hope, and love, we will always love you.
I wiped my tears, and kept practicing walking. I had my last surgery four months ago, I couldn’t stand unattended; with every step I took, I had to halt three seconds to make my next move.
Eight months later, our Miracle was born. Cuddling him in my arms, I felt peace and calmness, I didn’t shed a tear, I greeted him gently: Hello, Andrew!
