My mother died exactly one year ago, today. It's been hard for me. Harder, if I hadn't had the support from my sisters and very beautyfull friends. I've put up a very brave and strong front, but deep inside, I died, everyday a different death. During the first months after she was gone, there were so many bleak nights when I went to sleep, hoping I would just not wake up, to face yet another dreary day. I never knew whether I would ever be okay again.
I think my mother would've hated for me to continue being this way.
Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. And I slowly began to remember that it isn't my purpose in life to tread along with no aim, depressed and moribund. I know I'll never be the same again, but I have to slowly pull myself up by the bootstraps, out of the gutter, and try, despite this colossal loss, to soldier on.
One of the last conversations I ever had with my mother was about the song, 'Fly Me To The Moon', written by Bart Howard. She asked me if I knew the lyrics, and if I would mind saying them out to her, so she could write them down. I never knew until that day, that it was her favorite song. All the countless times she had been to my performances, never once did she ever request for me to sing that song for her. I guess to her, that would've been disruptive, and insulting to me as a performer, and an assault to her sense of what was 'proper'.
I have a lot to be thankful to my mom for. The endless piano lessons and vocal classes when I was little, all the recitals she attended, and the plays and the concerts she would always make sure not to miss. I remember directing my first musical, The King And I, when I was 16, and watching her in the audience as I took my bow, teary eyed, and beaming with so much pride.
Thank you Mama, for always encouraging me to chase after my dreams, but most of all, for urging me to be true to myself, and follow my bliss.
This song is for you.
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